The Last Meeting

The ambient noise of the subway station became a steady roar in his ears. He’s used to it by now. He concentrates on her. Looking down the tracks, he sees her looking at him out of the corner of his eye. She’s thinking something, but as usual he has no idea what it is. She waits for him to look at her again then says,

“He thinks you moved here because of me.”

So, the conversation has moved back to her boyfriend. He’s tried to be friendly with the guy, but the boyfriend won’t have anything to do with him. “What? That’s silly. You did tell him that I decided to move here long before you did.” Which is true. Chicago was on his mind before he got emotionally involved with her, before he fell in love with her. Fate brought them to the same city at the same time, not that it makes any difference.

“Yes, but he stills thinks you moved here because of me. He thinks you still have feelings for me."

How perceptive of him. “Really . . .”

“Yeah, and he doesn’t like it when I spend time with you.”

A sudden rush of frustration races up his spine. He does not understand why she puts up with the guy. He can remember a time when she was as stubborn as he is, but now she’s been tamed. Tamed by someone who’s unwilling to even be at the same place at the same time with a perceived threat. At least she came this time, and without a curfew for once. “Do you two ever fight?”

“Of course we do.”

“Ok, it just seems like he likes to stay in control. I don’t know why he’s worried about me. I see you, what, once every six months?” Another pang of frustration hits his chest this time. Every time he thinks he's over her, he sees her dark hair and piercing green eyes, and feels everything all over again.

“I know, but he thinks you still have feelings for me.”

“ . . .” He looked away too quickly on that last comment. He’s pretty sure she caught it. He’s been very careful to keep the walls up. He decided a long time ago not to ever let her see what he really feels. He knows it would be better for all if she remains under the impression that he is over her. But, now he's worried he gave something away just then. The roar of the approaching train breaks his concentration. “Thank god.” He says masked by the noise.

Mr. Blackwell's Worst Decorated, 2004

Well darlings, I’ve made my list and checked it twice, and I’ve found far more houses that were naughty than nice…Here is this year’s list of Christmust-nots!

2245 N. Sheffield is nothing more than an O’ holy nightmare! Poorly strung lights, giant illuminated teddy bears, and 5 Santas that bark carols…If this ho-ho-horror was MY only option, I would have slept in the stable, too.

Little drummer boring is all I have to say about the Anderson house on Western. A single strand of white lights around the window and a wilting wreath on the door? “Blah-Humbug!”

We go dashing throughh the “NO!” at the corner of Cornelia and Damen…This Jingle Hell left me cold with mismatched lights that barely went half way up the trees they were supposed to cover. Oh TannenBLECH! Either deck the halls to the wall or don’t bother.

These grinches have certainly confirmed that 2004 "'Tis the season to be tacky..."



And as for the Rosenbaums in Lakeview…All I can say is you’ve turned this Festival of Lights into a HanuKAN’T!

Unfuckingbelievable

Jay couldn’t believe his luck. His friends couldn’t believe his luck.

“She’s really gonna go for it?” “Dude! How’d you set that up?”

Jay demurred with the modestly smug grin of a man who is suddenly the coffee room Alpha male. When pressed though, he had to admit he was just as surprised as the rest of them.

“Well, I really can’t even remember how it came up. I mean, I know I’ve always thought about it and shit…Who hasn’t? But when we started talking about it I remembered all that shit that they always tell you to say to a girl in that situation . You know, that shit in Maxim and stuff. Be all intrigued and curious and everything, but if you act too interested it’ll creep her out.

“Man. I can’t fucking believe this, dude. Unfuckingbelievable.”

“Right? I mean, I had no idea that that shit would actually work.”

“So who’s it gonna be?”

“Well in the magazines they always said you have to let the girl pick. So when it started looking like Becky was really gonna go for it, I kinda joked about whether she would rather have a friend in it or someone we don’t know. At first she thought someone new would be better, but eventually she decided that she wouldn’t be as comfortable. So she asked her friend Sandra. You know, the tall one with the really long hair.”

“God, Jay. This is the coolest thing ever. You’re the man, man. I mean, I can’t believe you got your girlfriend to agree to…"

What? What did Becky agree to? Choose your own ending from the following:

A) Ironic Twist Ending:

“…agree to buy a three person canoe and take a rafting trip down the Colorado river. That is sooooo sweet.”

“I know. It’s gonna be awesome. Why’d you say “agree to” twice?”


B) Cruelly Ironic Twist Ending:

“…agree to a threesome. That is sooooo sweet.”

“I know. It’s gonna be awesome. Why’d you say “agree to” twice?”

“I have a stutter.”

That night, Jay got off work early. He picked up some scented candles, a nice bottle of wine, and a new pair of boxer shorts. Becky and Sandra worked at the same downtown boutique, and had agreed to come straight home after their shift. When they arrived, there was a good deal of giggling and tentative flirting. Halfway through the bottle of wine, Sandra leaned over and kissed Jay. He looked up quickly, to check on Becky. She was smiling approvingly and stroking Sandra’s thigh.

They moved into the bedroom, and Jay mentally prepared himself for what was sure to be the most memorable night ever. He tried to freeze every moment into his brain for the story he’d have to tell for the rest of his life. The girls began slowly undressing. Jay reached for his belt buckle.

“What are you doing?” Sandra asked. “Well, I’m…” “Oh no, honey,” said Becky, “We don’t want you here.” “What?” “No, babe…we want you to leave. Go into the living room or something.”

Jay thought for a moment. “Are you a lesbian?”

“Of course not!” Becky laughed, “It’s just that neither Sandra nor I find you sexually attractive.” “Yeah,” piped Sandra, “From all accounts, you’re a great boyfriend and provider. But neither of us wants to fuck you.”

“Oh.” Jay stood for a moment, holding his hands awkwardly by his belt. “If that’s the way you want it…” The girls had already turned away from him, caught up in each other, passionately touching and kissing. He coughed nervously. “Can I at least watch?” Becky shot him a quick look of pity and disgust, her tongue rammed down Sandra‘s throat. “Okay, well. Um. I guess I’ll just…yeah.”

Jay returned to the living room and picked up the wine glasses. He rinsed them before carefully putting them away and returning to the couch. He spent the night watching a Green Acres” marathon on Nick-at-Nite.

(note: This was the original ending of the story before I realized it resembled a plot twist on “Friends.”)


C) Completely Un-Ironic Ending:

“…agree to a threesome. That is sooooo sweet.”

“I know. It’s gonna be awesome. Why’d you say …?” And at that, Jay pulled out a large machete and slashed his co-worker to death.

Upon returning home, he fucked the living hell out of two sweet ladies and their beautiful vaginas. It was the best night of his life.

Writing in third person means you can pretend it's not about you

Liberation Day

“Thank you very much. You’re all set up. Have a nice day.”

With those words, she was finally free. The ATM card for the new account gripped firmly in hand (a “temporary” card, the official one would arrive in the mail in 6-10 days), she walked into the street a liberated woman.

The new bank was less than a block from her apartment. Her old bank was in the same building as her office, convenient, but not quite as handy as the new one would be. She proceeded briskly down the street, past the grocery store, the movie theater, the quaint and cozy coffee shop (for curling up with a sandwich, hot tea and a magazine) and the 24 hour corporate coffee place (all night high speed internet access!). She smiled regally at the performing arts center, the 24 hour Walgreen’s, two floral shops, the bar where the hot young 20somethings go (she qualifies as a hot young 20something for a few more years) and the quiet pub where she likes to grab a pint on a slow afternoon.

With this last step she had finally accomplished it. Living in one of the largest cities in the world, surrounded by myriad cultures and flavors, drowning in exotic restaurants, fantastic theaters, verdant parks and concert halls both rock and symphonic…She had finally managed to limit her entire world to a two-block stretch of city life. Everything she could possibly need or want…Right. There.

Sure, she’ll still have to go to work, but she moved to this neighborhood because she’s only a $5 cab ride away.

Other than that, she’ll never leave home again.

Here are some funny pictures

Since my last post turned into an after school special, I have lost interest in continuing my story. So instead, here are some funny pictures. Enjoy!!!