Cocktails for the New Millennium

Note: The Management has been advised to include a disclaimer about the risks of drinking any alcoholic beverages (much less these ones). We're supposed to inform you that alcohol may cause liver disease, impair your ability to operate motor vehicles, and lead to birth defects. But frankly, we don't care about your health, you're already a bad driver, and we're pretty sure your children would be ugly. In all honesty, we loathe you. So please enjoy:

Cocktails for the New Millennium: The Next Millennium, not this one.

The Mali-Booyah!
* One jigger coconut rum
* One bottle NyQuil

Serve chilled if you have a temperature, warm for a cold. Either way, it's the sniffling, sneezing, coughing, aching, stuffy head, fever so-you-will-never-wake-up-again-and-realize-you're-gonna-die-alone medicine.

Planter's Punch
*2 jiggers Jamaica rum
*1 jigger lime juice
*1/2 jigger simple syrup
*One slave of the Negro persuasion

Why don't you have your slave mix you up a nice punch while you sit on the verandah, you cold-blooded bastard? My God! How do you sleep at night? You sicken me.

The Morning Perk
* One pot black coffee
* One handful Percocet

When you're trying really hard to wake up, only to find you have no reason to.

Slow, Slutty, Double Entendre
* One Sorority Pledge
* 6 pitchers of some sickenly sweet, pink alcoholic mixture (no less than 80 proof)
* One tiny paper parasol

Feed the pledge the pink stuff. Have sex with her.

What? The little umbrella? Just throw that away, dude. Those things are totally gay.

The Vic-ano
* One Liter Vodka
* 12oz Tabasco
* One refillable prescription for Vicodin

Drink the Vodka. Take a lot of Vicodin. Try to talk one of your friends into drinking the Tabasco. Tell him he's a fag if he doesn't. If he asks why you aren't drinking it then, if you're such a non-fag, tell him it's 'cause you're already too spicy, and his mom knows that's the truth, hell yeah, muthafucka, you know what I'm talkin' about. Aww, snap.

The Flaming Homo
* One pint Homogenized Milk
* One match

Light the milk on fire.

What do you mean, "How?" I don't know...fuckin' lighter fluid or something. Do I have to do everything around here? Jesus Christ, you're useless. Just useless.

Bloody Virgin Mary
* Ruphynol
* One 12 year old Catholic School girl

No, you didn't just read that. Move on.

Gin Rummy
* One bottle Gin
* One bottle Rum
* One deck Regulation Playing Cards

Get drunk. Play cards. Like you were gonna do anything useful today.

A Letter to the Powers That Be

Dear Sirs,

I am hereby requesting an upgrade of my relationship status from "Placeholder" to "Standard." While recognizing that my previous experience with Standard Relationships has been sketchy at best, I feel confident that my tenure as a professional Placeholder has given me the valuable skills to move on.

I have successfully consoled the recently dumped, provided physical release to the indecisive, and prepared many an individual for a lifetime of love with other people. Case study 1: The last subject I "dated" (two years ago, I might add) was Mr. B. Anderson, who reconciled with his ex-wife only 6 weeks after our relationship began. He was happily returned to his former spouse and golden retriever in pristine condition.

Case Study 2: Mr. E. Legzdins, who fell in love with a girl he met in a bookstore just days after sexual contact with me. Naturally this is reminiscent of Mr. J. Leonard, who found his soul-mate exactly 24 hours after I gave him the first multiple orgasm of his life.

I have included affidavits from the 6 individuals who slept with me before discovering that they no longer wished to sleep with my gender. Likewise included is the synopsis of the 5 month period where I provided solace (both emotional and sexual) to Mr. R. Johnson during the traumatic dissolution of his previous relationship. I would like to point out that I was exceptionally understanding of his "need to be alone right now" up to and including the point where he found someone he really wanted to date.

As a Placeholder, I have proven my ability to open hearts and seminal passages for other people. A Standard Relationship upgrade is, I believe, not only well deserved, but long overdue.

Sincerely,
Karla M. Pacheco

P.S. I understand that if you are unable to fulfill my request at this time, you may be able to supply a Friend With Benefits. The BF4-E requisition form is attached.