Ben

Melody knows that Ben Affleck would totally fall in love with her.

Sure, there was J. Lo and Minnie Driver, and Gwyneth, but there was also that girl back in Boston...A sales rep, or something like that. Melody's read the articles about Ben's search for "a normal relationship." She knows he's worried about his celebrity scaring off regular girls. Melody knows she's perfect for Ben Affleck.

She hasn't quite figured out how they'll meet. Maybe he'd be in town shooting a movie (though what they could be shooting in Dayton, Ohio is a little unclear), and he'd stop by the coffee shop. She'd compliment his tattoos as she served up his half-caff mochachino, and show off the angel she has on her ankle. She wouldn't even act like he's Ben Affleck. She'd treat him just like any other guy in the shop. Maybe a little flirty, but still down to earth. He'd be a bit taken aback, then strangely relieved. He'd ask her what time she's getting off work and if she could show him around Dayton. She'd laugh, and say "Sure." Melody would be completely cool.

She'll take Ben out to feed ducks in the park and he'll be enthralled by her easy manner, her irreverent sense of humor, and that little glint she knows she gets in her eye when she smiles. They will share their first kiss under the stars, after Melody takes Ben to the overpass where her friends all go to drink beer on weekends. From that moment, Ben will refuse to let her out of his sight. He'll invite her to the Golden Globes and send his assistant to take her on a designer shopping spree to pick out a fabulous dress. Joan Rivers will ask her who she's wearing.

Or maybe she'd be visiting friends in L.A. (Melody doesn't have any friends in L.A., but Andrea is always talking about moving out there one day). Ben would spot her on the street, strike up a conversation...And the rest would be history. She just knows if Ben Affleck met her, he'd love her.

Ben will move Melody into his L.A. mansion, or maybe a nice brownstone in Boston. She's not really sure yet. Most of the time she'll be with Ben filming on location anyway.

In his directorial debut, Ben will cast Melody as his love interest, claiming he can no longer imagine making love to anyone else, onscreen or off. Critics will rave about Melody's "quirky charm," and "non-traditional beauty." Her first appearance on Letterman will break all previous ratings records.

At the Oscar after-party, immediately after she wins "Best Actress," Melody will break up with Ben Affleck. All she really wanted to do was date Edward Norton.

She's got it all figured out.

True Love: Fragments from the Conversation

"What do you mean, you've always dreamed about being a Navy Seal? I've always dreamed about being a Navy Seal!!!"

Two drinks later.

"Yeah, I think it's probably a lot harder to stab someone than it looks. And I worry that I wouldn't be able to really debilitate them with that first stab. The first stab is important."

Three drinks, half a pack of Newport Lights.

"Hey, I don't have bad self-esteem, I just really like cock."

Ten songs selected on jukebox. Another pack of Newport Lights

"Well, I mean...if the homeless don't want people dousing them with gasoline, they should stay in a shelter, right? Hey, are you done with that? Ya' wanna get outta here? Sweet."

And I'm not even starting this thing with something new...

I am the Perfect Woman.

I’m fairly attractive, with a pleasing rack. You can tell your friends you’re sleeping with me and expect a thumbs up, rather than a disappointed shake of the head. However, I’m not so drop dead gorgeous that you’ll worry about me leaving you for a Gold Coast day trader, nor will I inspire bar fights. You will never get the shit kicked out of you at 2 in the morning because you feel obliged to defend my honor (and your masculinity) from the 200lb linebacker who grabbed my ass. No, because I am the perfect woman.

I don’t enjoy playing video games, but I love watching them. I’m really good at finding secret levels, too. Rest assured I can sit happily for hours watching you play Grand Theft Auto, and after you’re all x-boxed out I' probably give you a blow job while you watch a televised sporting event of your choice. In the absence of a good sporting event, we can watch the Three Stooges and I will actually understand why they’re funny. I’m that perfect.

I hate talking on the phone. I love beer. I can quote The Simpson’s for hours. I own 3 pairs of shoes. I refuse to patronize any club with a velvet rope and $40 cover charge but love drinking in dirty dive bars, where you will be allowed to ignore me completely while watching the last quarter of a football game. I buy all my own drinks.

I am educated enough to carry on conversations about politics, drama, philosophy and science, but I also know about 200 dick jokes. I don’t wear underwear, but I will wear lingerie upon request. That one thing that you thought was just an urban legend, even though your college roommate’s brother swore he knew a girl who tried it…I can do it.

I hate talking about my feelings.

I have an insatiable sexual appetite, but a horrible fear of commitment. If you want to keep seeing other women, I will most likely be relieved, and even encouraging. I will never call you out for looking at an attractive woman when we’re together. In fact, I will frequently point them out to you. You won’t have to hang out with my bitchy, emasculating girlfriends because I don’t have any. I can hold my own when we’re with your friends, but I won’t make them feel stupid. I am funny, but not funnier than you.

I orgasm easily.

I enjoy fishing and camping. I enjoy fine dining. I enjoy art films, I enjoy movies where lots of shit gets blown up. I watch porn. I know that men masturbate, I know that men cheat. I won’t freak out when you do either because I know it’s not really reflecting your feelings for me…It’s just your biological makeup. I won’t yell at you when you don’t call for 3 days. I’ll never give you the silent treatment, cold shoulder or withhold sex. I won’t say “I’m fine” in that horrible, chilling “nothing is fine, nor will it ever be” tone of voice. I won’t ask what you’re doing with your life or where you see yourself (or us) in 10 years.

I will never ask you “what are you thinking?”

I am the perfect woman. But I think it’s just because I act like a guy.

Just Checking

Yep. It's a test.